St. Sarah the Egyptian Gnostic Community

I still don’t talk about gnosticism with my family, although that day is coming soon, but my friends know and support me in my religious choices. I came to realize that the reason I didn’t talk to people, my family in particular, about my religion is for fear of ridicule, fear of rejection, the (imagined) threat of being ostracized… All compelling reasons for me until recently. My life has always been very layered. There are things about myself and my personality that I am willing to share with my friends, family, and strangers, then there are things that I will only share with friends, things I will only share with close friends, and things I will only share with one or two special people.

I always assumed that setting up my persona in this way would keep others from having control over me, but what I’ve come to understand is that the people with the most control in my life are the people I spend the most time trying to hide things from. This is no way to use my energy. Vulnerability, and the ability to accept the consequences of same, is the true freedom. It’s taken my 28 years to come to that conclusion, but better late than never.

The part I found interesting when I really started to think about it is where my family fell on that diagram. Typically, your family is supposed to be most supportive of you. I worry because my parents are strict Roman Catholics. I would completely understand if they felt like they failed as parents if they found out that I wasn’t Catholic. I would be shocked if they supported me in this. Putting myself in their shoes, they would think I was damning my soul to hell. Part of loving me and supporting me should be trying to bring me back to the church. They don’t assume that I’m religious at all, preferring to think of me as a non-practicing RC than some thing other. That’s easier for them to deal with, I think.

I’m not ashamed of my Gnosticism, in fact it’s the one thing I think of when I try to define myself. I love my gnosis, and I want to shout it from the rooftops! But I also have a lot of fear. If I am going to be a priest, and make myself available in a public way to those who need my help, then I need to embrace all of myself. I need to free myself from the control I have allowed others to have over me but letting go of the control with which I have shackled myself.

I see this as largely a trust issue. Levels of trust have been established in my life with individuals over the course of many years of interaction. There seems to be a “bell curve” of sorts between my family and my “few select” friends on either side of this issue. The bell curve is love. I love my family and those few select friends most. However, I have trusted some with my innermost self and not others. Why? What am I afraid of? I don’t have an answer to that yet. Any insights?

If you’ve read this far, congratulations? You have waded through what leaked out of my brain today, and now that it’s out there maybe I can make something out of it. As I was recently called a “widely read proponent of modern gnosticism” I imagine that there are just hundreds of you out there hanging on my every word…. or not. At any rate, sharing this with you and the world may not do much good in the long run, but I feel a little more confident about things right now.

I have things coming that I have to write about, but I’m still working them over. In the mean time, this quote from the Gospel of Truth is one of my favorites:

Speak of the truth with those who search for it and of gnosis to those who have committed sin in their error. Make firm the foot of those who have stumbled and strecth out your hands to those who are ill. Feed those who are hungry and give repose to those who are weary, and raise up those who wish to rise, and awaken those who sleep. For you are the understanding that is drawn forth. If strength acts thus, it becomes even stronger.

Meditations on Meaning

I ran across this blog quite by accident today and I was hooked from the first paragraph. I’ve read through a few posts, and I certainly can’t speak with authority what this guy is all about, but if you have a few minutes I suggest you browse this and think a bit.

Crossposted from my other website.

The internet makes the world a very small place indeed. Yesterday three people asked me where I was from, and when I told them I received some unexpected responses.

One person, a Canadian, seemed to associate Americans with the American government. He said “I love America, if only it weren’t for all those Americans.” Now, I have no doubt that this person only said this to break the ice, as this was the first time we had ever chatted in real-time, outside of the email list we both belong to. I don’t think that he really hates Americans, as he is a reasonable person who I don’t think would reduce a person to a stereotype. However, he also told me how he hated Republicans and southerners. How many of each do you think that he, a Canadian, has met? I know I’m coming off sounding kinda angry about this whole thing, but I’m really not. Just pointing out an observation.

I was in New Hampshire last night and when told I was from Massachusetts people all made the same sound, a groan! I even heard somebody say “Oh, one of them!” Nobody called me a Masshole… this time, but I’ve heard that from New Hampshire residents in the past.

It just struck me because of the number of times it happened in one day, but I see this kind of thing all the time. Why do people make assumptions about people? Not just about where they live, but in general. I’ve been told that the human brain associates things using patters, so it’s easier to quickly identify friend from foe. In that case prejudice (from L. præjudicium “prior judgment” *) is a survival system.

I’m not immune, I don’t want to sound “holier than thou.” When I hear somebody speaking with a southern accent I assume that they are not that bright. I don’t tell them that though. What is it about being from the US in general and Massachusetts in particular that make people think it’s okay to tell you how evil you are?

* From my new favorite website, the Online Etymology Dictionary.

I have been accepted to the St. Raphael the Archangel Seminary of the AJC. This is a four year program at the end of which, if all goes well, I will be ordained as a priest in the Johannite tradition.

A week ago I was just some guy with an uninteresting blog and a lot of very short posts at the Palm Tree Garden.

Today I am a seminarian.

A week ago I was doing my job, and the most I had to think about was what I was going to get for lunch.

Today I am thinking about study and contemplation.

A week ago I had a lot of little things on my mind.

Today it is only one big thing.

Nothing is different, nothing significant changed about my life. Somebody simply looked at my paperwork and gave a nod, sent me an email, and that was it. I haven’t started any courses or projects. But even though it was a tiny ripple on the pool of my reality, I feel drastically changed.

What will the world be like in four years when I emerge as a priest? Will gnosticism have grown to become a household term? Well evengelicals be screaming from their pulpits about the evils of the gnostics? Will the plasmate fade back into the sands of Egypt to wait another few thousand years unit we are more ready for its integration? Of course we can’t know, but I look forward to seeing what’s going to happen and what my new role in all of it will be.

As I’ve said elsewhere, but it bears repeating, thank you all for the support you’ve given me along the way. To quote someone from whom I learned an awful lot: “If you’ve touched my life, then I love you somehow.”